daily wonders all

I find that writing is still not quite yet entirely joyful for me. The burnout from too much overwork and overresponsibility the past two years tends to make anything that involves producing something feel like work. But I'm on the path to finding it joyful again. It leads to sporadic blogging, occasionally bizarre and melodramatic emails to friends (who probably wonder, "What the hell is wrong with her?") and lots of looking at the computer screen with a scrunchy face and hesitation to start.

There is no starting, though, only picking up somewhere along the way and making a note about it. Like a note about the fact that my roommate Margi and I cleaned up the yard on Saturday and put down grass seed and planted an herb garden. It was delightful to invest in our home (temporary as it is) in that way and work together on something real and messy and physical. And a note about our new semi-regularish backyard movie feature. That's a note about how lucky I am to be in the space that I am (if ever there was a 'Starting Over' house, this would be it.) And a note about going to the courthouse yesterday and filing for divorce. (Actually, friends, that's a rather long note of a different sort entirely, and I will refrain from addressing it here except to say that it involved lots of forms with lots of accompanying copies and a lot of resolve followed by a sensation of relief and long overdue lifting of the getting-it-freaking-done burden.)

And a note about Superman Returns, which rules. Friends, it rules. From the totally loving nostalgic opening credits (Bryan Singer and his team recognizes the utter cheesiness of the Superman franchise, but instead of undercutting its sincerity with referential irony, they have embraced it in a totally refreshing, optimistic way) to the most awesome use of plane-nearly-crashing-in-a-baseball-stadium-but-for-the-grace-of-Superman effects sequence to the casting of James Marsden (finally, Cyclops isn't a total douchebag!) this film is awesome. Awesome, awesome, forget that X3 exists awesome! My only complaints are that it's a touch bit too long, has some plot holes big enough to drive a planet through (yeah, but's Superman) and Kevin Spacy and Parker Posey aren't quite as funny and charismatic as they should be. But I realize that writing for them would be a terribly hard thing to do. Superman is so straightforward and good and upstanding that to unleash a truly amazing Spacey/Posey villian duo on the movie would make us end up routing for them. So anyway, all hail the first good action movie of the summer! What a relief. So there's a note about that, too.

I feel like there might be a return of the tammytoes dvd screening room in the near future. That's a good note to end on.

file under "misc."

Life has been settled, unsettled, various, overwhelming, wonderful and tough since my last post. I find myself at a loss of words to share a lot these days. There's lots of life coming at me, and my reflection time is mostly very quiet. I like to sit on the porch and not think in words so much as memories, and images, and emotions. There is so much change to absorb and so little concentrated time in each day to do it. And so much news, always so much news - and events, and these little things that happen that make me so happy because they're new and they're real and they're mine, all very mine.

I have a friend who recently posted to her blog that she finally understands how it feels that her heart belongs completely to her and her alone. There is wisdom in that revelation. A little bit of power, too.

And those happy things? They include a promotion, and a raise, and finding my name listed in a review on Amazon and as an entry in the Library of Congress, new and more exciting projects at work, navel gazing, an amazing set of roommates, singing the theme song to "Smokey and the Bandit" with friends who also know all the words, sneak previews of good movies, making friends with a cat for the first time in my life, the Legendary Pink Dots, listening to Nick Cave in the shower, ferocious book clubs, homemade chex mix, underscheduling, patio parties, Zombie Honeymoon, water gun fights, new friends, good stationery and popcorn.

You know what I just did? I made a list of things that make me happy. It's been a long, long time.

I really am going to be okay. Sometimes, you know, I'm just not sure. But I am right now.